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Well, it happened again.
My expectations for this year’s Gathering were exceeded
once again. This year,
however, my sights were a bit higher as I finally got up the nerve
to invite my dad and he accepted.
For years, I watched as fathers & sons attended the
Gathering. Many a
Father/Son workshop went by with my sharing of the wonderful
relationship that I have with my dad.
All I could do was imagine what it would be like to have my
own father there to share the words and wisdom of all the men who
opened themselves up to us all.
If only I had known how easy inviting him would be.
I prepared how I would explain to him what the Gathering was
all about and what he might expect…as difficult as it was to put
those kinds of experiences into words.
I didn’t even need them!
I was down in L.A. for his 80th birthday and I
thought now was as good a time as any.
All I had to do was ask him if he wanted to go and he said
“Yes!” No questions
asked! I later learned
that he had began to question whether he really wanted to go but his
wife said that he HAD to go. “If
your son wants you to go, it must mean quite a lot to him and you
can’t disappoint him.” He
was an easy sell.
I was so excited as Dad, Tom & I drove the
beautiful drive down the Lost Coast.
My thoughts ran the gamut of how Dad would react to all that
would go on that weekend. The
rituals. The closeness
to other men. The
rusticity of the camp. His
watching me interact with my old and new men friends.
Would he embarrass me by being uncool…or saying something
that was politically incorrect?
Would I embarrass him by trying to protect him or doing
something that he would interpret wrong? The mind plays wonderfully
bizarre games with our irrational selves.
As was usual, my fears were not realized and my unthought
joys were realized.
Sharing this sacred weekend with my father was
one of the most significant events in my life.
That is no exaggeration of words.
From the opening ceremony to the Monday breakfast before
sending him home, tears would flow unpredictably from my eyes.
Watching him smile, as I invoked and invited the Spirit of
the West to join our circle at the Opening Ceremony.
Smudging my father with sage and painting his face with a
grease pencil brought on the first flow.
I just couldn’t believe I was actually finally doing this
to/with him. Watching
him go from man to man and looking intently into, until just
recently, total stranger's eyes, then walking off to the fire circle
hand in hand with a new friend…well, I was in heaven.
Then, hearing him share his expectations of the weekend at
the fire circle, I knew that he was fitting right in.
Heck, he was ready to sign up for next year’s Gathering
before the first night was over.
I thought he might lose it the next morning when
we gathered for the morning workshop and we counted off into groups
for the “Saturday Night Live at the Gathering” skits at the fire
circle. He kind of gave
a queer look with the thought of having to perform a skit on
“men’s issues” in front of the group.
When I saw that he would be working/playing with a
14-year-old wise man and a soon-to-be-married payaso (clown), I knew
magic was going to happen. My
own groups “The 3 Stooges do Co-Counseling to Work on Their
Aggression” was fun enough. Watching
my dad join the others in telling the story of “The History of
Balls” was the icing on the cake.
The Saturday morning workshop was the most highly
anticipated event of the weekend for me.
I was finally going to be doing a Father/Son workshop with my
dad. As man after man
shared the pains of their past or current relationships with their
fathers, I could see the tears well in dad’s eyes.
He whispered to me that “…some of them have so much
pain…” He told me he would feel like he was bragging or
flaunting our relationship if he was to share his feelings about his
relationship with his youngest son.
I suggested that we are all looking for healthy models, but
he was content to watch and listen to others.
So was I. During
the shorter dyad with one of my newest closest buddies, I brought to
the surface a sadness that needed to come up.
I was sad that, being childless, I would never have the type
of close, loving, wonderful relationship that I had with my dad with
my own son. I would not
be able to pass on this gift to my son.
My new friend suggested I share this with my father.
When we broke up again into dyads, I chose my
dad. What a wonderful
experience to just listen to him speak for twenty minutes,
uninterrupted and just staring into his eyes…and he into mine.
Some things came up that I would really like to explore with
him later. Since I was
just listening, I resisted the urge to ask questions to see if he
would go deeper. Later.
Then it was my turn.
After telling him how thrilled I was that he was there, I
began to tell him about my sadness and I just lost it!
I began to sob into his arms as I told him how I wouldn’t
have a son who felt about his father as I did about mine.
He held me, let me cry, and told me it would be all right.
He told me there was nothing to be done about that now, that
I had made the decision years ago when I was younger, and that
things change. Then, he
did something that was quite wonderful.
He forgave me! Something
I had not realized was that the decision I had made to get a
vasectomy and not have children affected my father as well as
myself. By doing so, I
deprived him of having grandchildren from his youngest son.
I hadn’t given that much thought back then nor much over
the years. Well, it had
disappointed him quite a bit and he had never shared that with
me…until now. And he
forgave me for that decision. I
was floored…and the tears poured out even more.
We cried together for some time and as the
workshop winded down, I knew that the rest of the weekend was going
to be one of the best times I have had in my life.
Thank you Jim & Bob for creating the space for the
workshop and thank you Richard for keeping the Father/Son workshops
going. I have always
known that my father and I were close, but I never knew how much
closer and how much deeper our bond could get.
The Gathering helped my father and I go places we had never
gone to in our relationship as father and son and as friends.
I look forward to going back again with him next year.
If only I had invited him earlier.
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